Driving Tips for Assholes by Ted Rosen

Let's face it, most everyone on the road today is an asshole. Those few of us who aren't assholes are vividly aware of all the true assholes who are out there, braking at green lights, snoozing at stop signs and lazily cutting you off in the fast lane during rush hour.

This collection of driving tips is for them, and the miracle of the Internet can assure us that they will read these tips and see the error of their ways. Perhaps with some good advice and punctuated shouts of disapproval, the assholes may one day be domesticated like the sheep they truly are.

Let's begin with the beginning:

1) Pulling Out:

After starting your overpriced vehicle (which, I may add, you don't deserve), glance at the rearview mirror then dump your tranny into reverse and clomp down on the gas pedal. This will terrify pedestrians and cause the cars you so boorishly cut off to honk their approval of your uncanny driving skills. 2) Intersections: Since you are the only valuable being around and everything which exists outside the boundaries of your vehicle is mere intrigue, intersections present few problems. At four-way stops, you are entitled to go first once you've perfunctorily tapped your brake pedal. If you arrive at a four-way stop at the same moment as another vehicle, the driver to the right can go fuck himself, because you're going first.

3) Entering Roadways:

When entering a road with oncoming traffic, you may often notice a vehicle at the back of the line of cars. Instead of allowing that vehicle to pass then pulling in safely behind it, accelerate sharply and cut him off. As he sees you lurch in front of him, he will accomodate you by slamming on his brakes. Now, deftly decrease your speed to 5-15 mph below the posted speed limit. This will assure the driver of the car you just cut off that you are an extra-safe driver.

4) Turns:

When turning left from a busy artery, park your vehicle directly in the center of the lane, making no effort to allow traffic to pass. By omitting the turn indicator, you have absolved yourself of any legal proof of your intentions to turn. Wait for oncoming traffic to free up just enough for your vehicle to squeeze through, then slowly edge your car into the turn. Oncoming traffic will accomodate you (through furious braking maneuvers) as you slither onto the goddamn sidestreet.

All right turns should be taken by veering your vehicle left, then right. A combination of this confusing behavior and the aforementioned omission of a turn indicator should keep all local traffic away from you.

5) Missing Turns/Exits:

If you should miss a turn or exit, you can often save 20-90 seconds of driving time by simply performing an immediate 8-point K-turn in the middle of traffic. This is far preferable to waiting for the next street and going around. When on highways or turnpikes, it's best to stay in the far left lane (see tip #7). Thus, it is imperative that one learns to master the art of careening across three lanes of busy traffic in order to make that quick exit you nearly missed.

Since distractions like pounding rap music or recalcitrant children can cause one to miss an exit, the 3-lane power-grab is a must for the discerning asshole.

6) Traffic Lights:

These colorful lights placed at intersections are helpful hints in making a determination about one's ability to pass through safely. By monitoring whether cross-traffic is about to stop (if they get a "yellow" or "amber" light), one can sometimes dash through the intersection way before one's light has actually turned "green".

Conversely, if the light you're approaching has turned "yellow" or "amber", one can easily sail through by sharply increasing speed. (You may ignore the irony of these two approaches. It doesn't concern you.)

When making a left turn at a traffic light, it is best to stay way behind the intersection, then zip into your left turn after your light has turned red. In this way, no vehicles behind you can hope to make the turn until the next round of light changes. Moving forward to allow others a chance to squeeze in behind you is far beyond the ken of the true asshole.

In sum, those colorful traffic lights can be a breeze (and a coordination challenge) for the alert assholean driver.

7) Multiple Lane Traffic:

Passing vehicles at high-speeds can be a tricky and dangerous endeavour. It is best to simply stay in the far left lane at 5-10 mph below the speed limit. Traffic is more sparse and people seem to just go around you.

Additionally, watching the center barrier creep by can be a very engaging pasttime for the average asshole.

8) Passing:

On a two-lane road, passing should be performed at breakneck speed on turns and inclines only. Begin by tailgating the driver in front of you, nicking his bumper, then leaping into the oncoming lane with your horn blaring. Proceed at maximum warp until your vehicle can just barely clear the other vehicle, then swerve maniacally in front of them and apply your brakes.

Give that slowpoke a taste of his own medicine!

Passing is unnecessary in multiple lane traffic (see tip #7).

9) Parking/Street:

Most parking regulations can be ignored. Double-parking is acceptable if you're "only going to be gone for a little while". If street parking is hard to find, it's usually best to creep slowly down a busy, congested street hoping to find a family of eight about to get in and pull out.

Parallel parking is a mysterious ability mastered by other people, not you. Others will simply have to wait while you stupidly finagle your car into an open curb space.

If parking on an incline, keep the front wheels facing perfectly >forward. If you leave them turned in or out, something really bad like front-end damage could occur. Set your parking brake in one or two ticks only. You don't want to wear it out prematurely.

10) Parking/Offstreet:

It is imperative to find the closest possibly parking spot to your destination. A walk of ten yards or so can be quite debilitating for the assholean motorist. If no handicapped spots are available in a parking lot (a rare but documented occurance), it's best to drive feverishly against the direction of angled parking spaces. By surprising the oncoming vehicles, you can barge in front of them and perform a sloppy 270-degree turn into a prime spot.

Pedestrians can be numerous in parking lots, so it's best to let them know "who's boss" by refusing them any right-of-way.

Be sure to avoid damaging your own car with a shopping cart by shoving the cart in front of your bumper. Let someone else deal with the blasted thing!

11) Speed Limits:

While driving 5-10 mph above the posted speed limit is safe, prudent and keeps traffic flowing smoothly, it is best to either speed maniacally, crawl like a snail or stick to the speed limit as if it were Gospel.

Extreme speed can get you where you're going quickly and invigorate one's spirits.

Driving painfully slow will help assert one's self-esteem as dozens of vehicles line up behind you, beating their dashboards in frustration as you tool down the road, drinking in their anger and resentment.

Assholes are often noted for driving at precisely the posted speed limit, as if those signs were carefully engineered by teams of specialized macadam scientists. Even though a well-paved, ultra-wide two-lane road with no intersections for several miles may tempt one to accelerate beyond the Draconian 30 mph, it's best to set your cruise control to 30 mph and watch those dashed lines slowly crawl by in your side mirror. The line of cars behind you can serve as helpers should you get a flat tire or fall asleep at the wheel.

Slow and speed-limit driving is best between the hours of 7-10 am >and 4-7pm.

12) Tailgating:

Studies have shown that keeping your vehicle right on the bumper of the car in front of you can shave 1-2 seconds off your driving time. Additionally, it tends to make the driver in front of you undeniably aware of your presence. Should the car in front of you suddenly stop (say, to avoid hitting a small child) you will surely strike their vehicle, resulting in an "accident".

Though many pundits may proclaim that the fault is with the tailgater, you can assure the police that the driver in front of you was fully aware that you were dangerously close and should have known better than to brake suddenly. Loud excuses about changing cassette tapes or putting out a cigarette can often curry favor among police investigators at the scene.

13) Loud Music:

The driving experience can be greatly enhanced by installing a powerful stereo system and speakers the size of hula hoops. Though sacrifices may have to be made with seating and vehicle maintenance, extremely loud music can often be the only reason a true asshole bothers to drive at all.

As ever, the type of music being played is very important. Speakers with magnets as heavy as your engine can reproduce the primitive beats of hip-hop music with amazing clarity. By carefully avoiding any music which contains the hint of a melody or the superfluous demagoguery of musicianship, one can center their musical tastes on brainless, thud-filled expositions into urban dance-beat dreck.

At such high volume, this music (or at least the bass drum beat) can be shared with entire neighborhoods at all hours of the night. Repeated playings of this music may even score you some oral sex from an equally assholean high-school student.

14) Mobile Phones:

Though some people consider driving time a way to "get away from it all", most drivers are far too insecure to spend a few quiet moments alone. They install cellular phones in their vehicles and blab away to unimportant people about mundane subjects which could have been taken care of at home or work. As these phone-callers careen about the street, it gives the other drivers a chance to accomodate for this erratic driving and give the caller/driver a wide berth.

What began as an indispensible tool for businessmen and technicians has blossomed into a redundant waste of technology, money and effort.

No asshole is without a car phone.

15) Car Horns:

These devices should be employed at all times in all situations. As you may have noticed, other drivers have saluted you many times with their horns; this is indication for you to do the same.

Horns can be most effective at startling bicyclists, wooing women and getting that traffic jam to move more quickly for you.

If your car horn should fail, be sure to have it serviced before you attempt to drive.

16) Pedestrians and Bicyclists:

Pedestrians and bicyclists are nothing more than an anachronistic nod to a bygone era. As such, it is incumbent upon the asshole to demonstrate for them what year it is.

By affording no one the right-of-way you can go a long way in helping America become a more enlightened and orderly society. And don't forget -- once they're all gone, your insurance premiums will go down!

Thanks for reading! These tips are indispensible for the driving asshole. They have been researched and tested by thousands of bona-fide assholes encompassing a wide variety of demographics.

They were compiled by the American Society for Safe Hours Of Luxurious Egotism, in partnersip with the Hugh Jedd Foundation.