Everyone knows it's natural to touch yourself, everyone, that is, but the members of the cult of the vampire... better known as Christianity. some of the following are excerpts from a packet distributed to students at Christ the King grade and middle school in Lombard, Illinois. Some are my own additions. you make the call as to which are which, because by the time you read this, I will have probably forgotton myself.

1. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell "STOP" to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a prechosen Scripture or advertising jingle or sing an inspirational hymm. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge your genitals.

2. Set goals of abstinence, begin with a day, then a week, month, year, and finally commit to never doing it again. Until you commit yourself to "never again" you will always be open to temptation.

3. Occasionally urinate on an electric fence to render yourself incapable of masturbation.

4. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others, no matter how much you hate humanity and yearn to terminate this "virus with shoes". Use principles of developing friendships found in books such as "How to win Friends and Influence People" and ignore those voices whispering in your head about high powered weaponry.

5. Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged. These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape. Plan in advance to counter these low periods through various activities such as reading a book, visiting a friend, doing something athletic, etc.

6. Make a pocket calandar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you, but show it to no one. If you have a lapse of self control, color the day black. Your goal will be to have "no black days". The calendar becomes a strong visual reminder of self control and should be looked at when you are tempted to add another black day. Keep your calendar up until you have at least three clear months.

7. Until you have three clear months, commit to a punishment day each month, and on that day, whip yourself with a thick leather strap or belt ten times for each black day on your pocket calendar.

8. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called "aversion therapy". When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. if you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act.

9. Hold your tongue against a nine volt battery for five minutes at least once a month. This helps to cancel out undesirable thoughts, and even if you haven't been masturbating, you've probably been up to something wicked and need to be set straight.

10. Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Fear your bed, because it will tempt you to perform nasty, ugly acts which go against scripture and will forever deny you the beatific light of God's love. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.

11. Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring. Bedwetting is also a mortal sin.

12. Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Exciting foods tend to excite the libido. Eat as lightly as possible at night.

13. Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding.

14. If you awaken in the morning with an erection, hit your penis with a wooden spoon until it becomes limp and you can again rejoice in your victory over sin and temptation.

15. Avoid people, situations, pictures, or reading materials that might create sexual excitement.

16. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Morman, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night, has proven helpful in extreme cases.

17. In very severe cases, it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.

18. If Satan continues to inspire you to masturbate, construct a pair of sandpaper gloves to be worn at night and any time that the temptation to give in may be strong. Remember, "Satan Never Gives Up" (SNGU). You can win this fight! The joy and strength you will feel when you do will give your whole life a radiant and spiritual glow of satisfaction.