You don’t know what the word "irate" really means until you delay the line for subway tokens with New Yorker’s on their way to work. One second they look like ordinary people and the next they look like a crowd from the French Revolution with pitchforks, torches and a guillotine. When you consult a map on the wall with subway stops, it’s not a good idea to confirm what you figured out with a person who sleeps in the tunnels. For one thing they will be hard of hearing and for another they’re trying to make a living panhandling. Answering questions takes up their time and limits their income. Don’t annoy them with questions.

After you’ve decided whether you want a local or express and have memorized the names of all your stops you can go to the train platform. Hint! Don’t stand too close to the edge. If you’re not having a good day, someone may accidentally knock into you and you could find yourself on the tracks while the F train bears down on you. If this happens lay straight out between the rails but not on them. You will find there is a small depression where you will be safe while the train passes over you. Whatever you do, don’t lift up your head to see if the train has finished passing. You will know it’s finished passing when people start screaming and scare the ah, devil out of you. Another way you can tell, is when the first person jumps down on the tracks and you feel his hand in your back pocket removing your wallet.

While you’re waiting to get up to the platform, count your arms and legs to make sure you don’t leave anything behind. Unless you’re missing an arm or a leg, you should be fine. If you are missing something, you will be happy that your have that free accidental dismemberment policy from your bank that pays $500 for each limb loss. Now you know why they issue these policies. After they get you up to the platform, stay there until the paramedics arrive to make sure they check you over.

When the paramedics ask you questions, please answer them in a bored monotone. Their job is stressful enough without having some hysterical lunatic screaming and anyway they probably aren’t having a very good day. Remember, they want to make sure you’re not a nut who tried to hurt himself. So don’t give them reason to have you institutionalized. When you’re ready to restart your journey it will be very crowded because all the trains will be backed up. People will be saying some dummy fell off the platform. Don’t expect sympathy. Remember, wimps don’t ride the subway.

Once on the train, let’s just say the F train, don’t make eye contact with anyone. It’s a sign of aggression to make eye contact with someone on the subway. Of course, if you’re packing an UZI in your briefcase then you’re free to make eye contact if you’re prepared to shoot. Otherwise, don’t do the eye contact thing. Avert your eyes. I usually spend my ride looking at shoes and only look up when we pull into a station to see where I am. The conductor will announce the stop but you will not understand him or her. They might be from Brooklyn and it will sound something like this, "Wheeeessssssssssinnggggggggg Street, next stop Whhheeeeesssssssinngggggg Street."

When you’re hanging onto the straphanger, don’t look down or make any eye contact. Think of it this way, no one should ever be able to think that you could identify them in a police line up. If you’re stuck in a tunnel due to a fire, flood or accident or maybe the police are chasing someone on the tracks, never talk to anyone. If someone talks to you just look pleasant. Not too pleasant but not unfriendly. If you look too pleasant we’ll know you’re an out of towner. If you look unfriendly someone may offer to put his or her foot to the posterior part of your anatomy. Just be invisible and don’t exist. Got it!

If you are one of the lucky ones who have a seat, you should be feeling like you won the lottery. The chances of getting a seat on the subway are not as good as winning the lottery. If it’s crowded and a big bosomed woman is pushing into your face, keep your mouth shut. It’s better to sit there suffering. Don’t raise your hands to scratch that itch on your nose. Trust me on this.

To get more room and have people back off, I talk to myself. Usually speaking to an invisible person will have people move away from you. If they don’t back off enough, you’ll have to get into a loud vocal argument with your imaginary friend. If that doesn’t do it, slap your face real hard with your left hand and have your right hand twist your left hand until your imaginary friend gives up. It’s time now to supply an actual voice to your imaginary friend. You should have practiced this the night before at home in your bed before you went to sleep.

When you see your train pull into the station, get up like a lunatic and fight tooth and nail for the door. It’s vital that you make it to the door before it closes. Why? Because all those people you knocked around to get off the train will still be on it if you don’t make it out. It won’t be pretty if the mob catches you at the door. I know people who told me they lost their virginity and had their first sexual experience just getting off the train. Next time I will tell you how to hail a taxi in New York and survive.