As stated on Lamprey Systems web site: a Lamprey is a parasitic, primitive eel with a round sucking mouth equipped with many sharp teeth. Lamprey Systems is a small do-it-yourself software development company run by 35 year old Robert Carr, a self taught programmer and self proclaimed software pariah out of Boise, Idaho. Since 1988 Robert has been churning out his own homespun brand of software entertainment titles. These titles hold very little in common with what you usually find in the electronic game market. They offer true interaction beyond that of scrolling across screens of space age worlds and blowing aliens or monsters to bits. Lamprey Systems software speaks to you, insults you, helps you get around the law, and generally celebrates the destruction of civilization, which it is Mr. Carr's primary goal is to profit from.

Past home entertainment hits from Lamprey Systems have included MacJesus ProGold and Hexon Exon. MacJesus ProGold is an interactive interface which offers the opportunity to not only be absolved but insulted as well by your sunglass wearing, cigarette smoking lord and saviour. Another classic title is Hexon Exon which, in the face of the Commuications Decency Act, may be more important to have on your Macintosh hard drive than Quicktime 2.1. Hexon Exon allows its users to communicate their filthy ideas and messages via email by replacing any offensive or questionable word with the names of one of the 84 senators who voted in favor of the Exon Ammendment. In doing so Hexon Exon unburdens the sender of said filth of any possibility of becoming subject to the penalties and punishments of communications laws and restrictions.

Although some may find Lamprey Systems software shocking, perverse or politically incorrect it is a direct reflection of our society and what is happening around us. The titles are always politically and socially up-to-date in their blasphemy and twisted takes. After playing with most of the titles I have relaized that it is not so much Lamprey Systems that is twisted but more the American People and the Human Race, after all, without all of us where would perversion have to live?

Possibly the greatest treat with regards to Lamprey Systems is that all of this highly entertaining, provocative and amusing software is produced for the Macintosh Operating System only. This is rare and welcome to some of us Mac users who watch as less and less development is done for the Macintosh and we start to feel as if we are akin to the same enlightened souls who all bought beta video decks for our homes because of their superiority. When asked by a curious PC/Windows user in a letter (as published on the Lamprey website) why there were no Windows versions of his games as everyone uses Windows Robert responds with the simple statement, "Yeah, and in the 15th century everyone had lice". Thus the stage is set....

The following is a very simple, very short, poorly planned, sub-standard interview conducted via email with Lamprey Systems founder/programmer/accountant/salestaff/and spokesman Robert Carr.

What is your main philosophy behind Lamprey Systems?

1. Scare and offend normal people.
2. Subvert their children.
3. Provide comfort to the weird.

How long has Lamprey been in operation?

Originally Lamprey Systems was known as "Smurfs In Hell." I did my first SIH game in 1988. For three years before that I had been doing a Smurfs In Hell 'zine.

What planted the seed or led to the development of Lamprey Systems?

I bought a Macintosh to "typeset" the 'zine and became more interested in creating computer games than typesetting. Also the games available back then were very lame (actually they still are). I wanted to do stuff that was off-the-wall.

What has been your most popular software title to date?

F*CK'EM has been my most popular game so far $$$-wise. Actually it's really hard to tell as my stuff is heavily pirated, and turns up in all sorts of unexpected places.

As a whole, how successful has Lamprey systems been?

Well I'm certainly not going to get rich writing shareware, although I've made a buck or two now and then. However, when you ignore the $$$ component I would say Lamprey has been wildly successful. It's impossible to get an exact count of how many copies of my games exist, but I would say it is in the hundreds of thousands range.

What types of response do you usually receive or can you expect to receive with regard to Lamprey Systems software?

Only about one of a hundred responses is a death threat. Another ten to twenty percent are people who are praying for my immortal soul. About five percent are of the "hey make my great idea into a game and we'll split the money" variety. Then there is the "You crashed my hard drive" contingent. This number depends on how heavily I was drinking when I programmed the game.

Are there any new titles in the works?

Yes, I am currently working on "Straight To Hell." The object of this game is bounce Jesus through the nine circles of hell.

Ironically your web site resides on the AOL system. AOL had recently gone as far as banning the word "breast" on their service to avoid getting in trouble under the CDA and anything else that might creep their way. To what do you attribute your success at having had your site remain on AOLs server when many sites they had hosted are disappearing due to questionable content?

By keeping a low profile and not doing interviews! Also when you get right down to it, my site is not so bad. There's no nudity there and few swear worlds. Sure, people might not like the content of my games but the games themselves do not violate any laws. It's not like any of the games at the site are hard core pornography involving three nuns and a donkey - that game is still under development.

What are your feelings towards the attempt by our government and the ISP's to control and restrict what is transmitted via the internet?

IMPOLITE RESPONSE:
They're a worthless bunch of cocksuckers who should be shot down like the dogs that they are.

POLITE RESPONSE:
It is in the interests of the government, the telecommunications industry and the religious right to restrict the internet. But by god that blue ribbon on my page will stop them!

Where do you see the internet and the WWW going in the years to come?

On the surface the net will be made safe for children and mormons, but under just under the surface there will be a thriving underground. It will sort of be like all the secret areas that exist on AOL, but are only accessible if you know the right people.

What would you like to see happen with computer related communication and media and what are your feelinsg overall regarding the internet as a dissemination of information utility?

I would like to see anonymous digital cash and intelligent software agents. I would also like to see MicroSoft destroyed and windoze revealed for being the piece of shit that it is.

Right now the media talks about the net the way virgins talk about sex. In the process the net is way oversold. The net is great for moving information such as e-mail or software. However if your goal is connecting with people, it leaves a bit to be desired. But hey if your idea of good sex is typing; well then have at it.

Aside from seeking profit from the destruction of civilization where else do your interests lie?

When I'm not working on computer, my interests run to VW beetles and firearms. This is Idaho, damnit. Even our BMW's have rifle racks here.

If you were asked to be the key note speaker at a local high school graduation what would you feel would be the most important message to relay to the youth of today?

"The little bitch! She said she was on the pill!"

Err, wrong message. I think the most important message to relay to the youth of today is that most of what they have been taught is lies, and that the people in charge are as clueless as everyone else.