 As many of you know, I'm very nervous about my imminent appointment as Seceratary of State. My address to the UN is full of expletives and if I don't tone it down the President will probably force me to bed down his wife again while he he runs off with the usual host of DC sluts. So, if life is gettin' you down, just reflect on my situation, OK? At any rate, I'd like to share a weird experience I had recently. Ahem... Among my most treasured computer games is Scrabout, a Scrabble game. The computer is one tough competitor and regularly, but not always, beats my score. Recently, I opened up a match with the word "toyed". Strangely, the sexual connotations were not lost on the computer. It's first word? "Gay". I was taken aback. Gay? Did this subroutine really think it could one-up me sex-wise and still win the game? Keeping on the gay theme, I posted "song" (as in torch or broadway). It responded with "taunt"! That bastard was teasing me! If this program thought it could portray me as a homosexual, it had another thing coming! I responded with "mixed". As in couples. It answers with "mince" Mince, fer chrissakes! Well, two can play at that game! I parlayed my letters into "drips". Heh! Top that one! It did! A two-word score: "nosy" and "minces"! I stepped back. This was getting serious. A rapid synopsis of the continued battle of the tasteless Scrabble: I played "brace", as in hold down. It plays "jail"! I employ "wilt" as in my shrivelling choad. It laughs at me with "kudos"! I play "drone", as in male bee which is born to fuck the queen; it plays "into" (my butt?). I aver "user". It retorts "neigh". Bestiality? By Glub, this program is goin' fer the jugular! I play "greet" -- as in prospective sex partners. It plays "joint" -- something to smoke with the greeted partner! I play "tarp" -- needed for wet, sloppy orgies. It plays "owe", as in money for sexual favors. I play "heap" -- of naked, writhing lovers. It plays "isle" and "drones" -- it upped me from an orgy to an island full of bee fuckers! Quickly I type in "hair"", as in pubic. It screams "bagman"!!! "Bagman"? What the fuck? This is downright *rude*! I attack viciously with "adz". It blithely responds: "so"?. AAARGH!!! The letters are down to a few, and I'm still holding the "Q"! Ten points of damage should the computer run out of tiles! "Oaf"! I exclaim for 10 lousy points. Then, the fatal blow. The computer played the cryptic "nu" (13th Greek letter) and it was all over. Computer: 270 points, me: 229 points. Defeat. I had been out-gunned and out-grossed by a mindless machine. Needless to say, this took quite a toll on the ol' Tedster's pride. I have always fancied myself the foulest, most vulgar personality around. And now I was humbled by about 600Kbytes of Scrabble cgi script. Oh, the shame! To make up for it, I plan to step up and lower the standards of my Usenet posts and emails. Ain't technology grand? contact the author via email: hamster@mail.nas.com |